Comedy Show at Cal

I went to a comedy show yesterday at Cal. Here are the jokes that I remember off the top of my head.

*Host: Now introducing to the stage...Sheng Wang!*
*applause*
*man comes out behind curtain*
*Sheng Wang: Surprise! Sheng Wang is Chinese.*

*Sheng Wang: I'm going bald. I don't like to think of going bald as losing hair, but more like gaining more face. ::rubs the top of his head:: Can you imagine that in a couple years this will be my forehead?*

*Sheng Wang: My roommate is too honest with me sometimes. I don't understand why she has to be so up-front. I brought a lady friend to the apartment and she felt the need to tell me what she thought of her. "She's pretty good...Eh...she's alright...she's okay....you can do better." ::looking around:: I know I can do Better...but BETTER isn't trying to do ME. BETTER is out there trying to fuck BEST. and I'll be doing OKAY. ::smiles and gives the okay sign::*

*Sheng Wang: I can't even justify the use of the term "sex life." That's like, "hyperbole." But it's okay, I'm under the impression that having sex again is like riding a bike......Some people just don't own bikes. ::audience laughter:: Sometimes you gotta walk...or talk a leisurely stroll.*

*Sheng Wang: Me and my roommate just recently got into an argument. She put in one of those glade plug-ins in our bathroom because we got "problems." But the glade plug-in doesn't solve anything. It's just confusing. A guest walks into the bathroom, "Oh it smells like peaches...Oh wait...you're roommate has diarrhea." I mean, you don't put a band-aid on a broken arm. You shouldn't put a strawberry on a pile of shit.*

*Louis Katz: For the longest time I was having sex with a condom. When I had sex for the first time without a condom, I seriously saw beams of light coming out of the girl's vagina and heard a whole ensemble choir singing. ::does short choir singing hymn:: Having sex without a condom is like putting your penis in God's mouth.*
*Louis Katz: Sex without a condom is too good. I don't even worry about getting STD's anymore. I'm just gonna throw an Airborne in there and hope for the best.*

*Louis Katz: My parents keep telling me, "You gotta find a nice Jewish girl to marry so we can prolong our people, because if you don't, Hitler wins!" How does Hitler win? He's been dead for a long time. I'm just out trying to fuck Christian girls. So, in the end, who wins? ::audience member yells, "YOU DO!":: That's right.*
*Louis Katz: Yeah, I'm a little bit on the hairy side. I have girls all the time tell me, "Have you ever thought about shaving?"......Fuck you. Of course I haven't thought about shaving. Why don't I just get a nose job and a baptism while I'm at it? But I do empathize for these girls. For some reason, the phrase, "Don't worry, that's not a pube," never brought comfort to any girl.*

*Brent Weinbach (doing a right-wing slam poetry): A dick in the butt? And then what?!?!*